Friday, April 28, 2006

HIPSTER ALERT!!!

I got this from Kurt, and thought it was pretty funny!
Of course, according to Hipster Bingo, i might just win a prize!

You've seen the warning signs, you can tell somethings not quite right so nows the time to do something about it. A step-by-step guide on how to rid yourself of a hipster infestation.Have you recently found yourself asking any of the following questions?

Whose fixed-gear bicycle is that in my garage?

Where do I keep misplacing the charger for my iPod Nano?

Why are there vast amounts of food mysteriously not missing from my pantry and refrigerator each week?

Yes? Then, chances are, youve got hipsters.

Hipster infestations have become commonplace in modern times. One day, life seems completely normal. The next, youve got an anorexic in a train-conductor hat scurrying across your kitchen in the middle of dinner. This, understandably, can be a pretty disconcerting sight.

Not to worry, though. While hipsters can really slaughter a nice mood, they are otherwise harmless and probably just as frightened of you as you are of them. Still, they are a nuisance, of course, and need to be treated as such. Following are suggested measures to pinpoint the location of hipsters in your home, coax them out from their hiding places, and capture and return them to their natural habitats.

Zeroing in on Your Hipsters

An effective way to start your search is by identifying all the nooks and crannies wherein hipsters may hide. Most commonly these include the crack between the wall and the fridge, underneath French baguettes, behind their iPod Nanos, and between the pages of Charles Bukowski books. These are all great places to begin looking. (Note: If you are feeling brave, demand that someone justify Bukowskis literary merit. Frequently this will prompt the hipsters to emerge, incredulous, indignant, and sometimes crying.)

Also, hipsters prefer dank, dimly lit areas, should you have any in your abode. These provide ideal quarters for them to set up makeshift darkrooms in which they can develop the countless photographs theyve taken with their vintage cameras. Usually, these are pictures of idled trains, abandoned bus depots, or of themselves (for their MySpace profiles).

Finally, keep a sharp eye on dressers and closets. Hipsters love tight clothing, usually on the darker, more weathered side. Have any pairs of your 14-year-old daughters jeans suddenly gone missing? What about her nail polish kit?

For many, this suggestion sparks additional fears: If hipsters are ransacking my daughters closet, how do I know they wont cause her any undue additional (i.e., sexual) harm? Parents should rest easier knowing that most hipsters are either asexual or bi-curious. That being said, it would be a good idea to keep an eye on your son, too.

Capturing Your Hipsters

Youve located where your hipsters are camped outnow comes the hard part.Hipsters are freakishly antisocial; some argue it is genetic. This trait becomes especially magnified in unfamiliar or non-hip environments. So, the last thing you want to do is alienate hipsters further from society than theyve already alienated themselves. Here are a few things you must understand before attempting to communicate with hipsters:

1. Hipsters know more about music than you do.

2. Hipsters know more about clothing than you do.

3. Hipsters know more about Charles Bukowski than you do.

4. Your sense of fashion is fin (bad).

Embracing these ideas as fact will not put you on the same level as hipstersthat would be ridiculousbut it will let the hipster know that you are keeping it real, which they can respect, sort of.With that, youll want to open the dialogue on a fairly benign topic so as not to indicate that you mean the hipsters harm, or that you are in fact a poseur. Here are some suggestions:

That deck [good] Conor Oberst is signing autographs at Amoeba Records today.

Check out my new tattoo! (Or new fixed-gear bike.)

Anyone for a really small slice of vegan soy pizza?

Maybe theyre sitting in your living room brooding, or writing in a journal, or looking uncomfortable and ostracized. Hipsters have usually attended a liberal-arts college for at least two years, however and are thus extremely smart and often wont take the verbal bait. In this situation, you must be cruel to be kind and exploit the hipsters Achilles heel: music.

There are two approaches to smoking them out musically:

1. Play non-hip music, and play it very loudly. Remember, hipsters all have iPod Nanos, so its going to have to be extremely ear-shattering to overpower the sonic armor of Death Cab for Cutie. Recommended selections include anything by Kenny Rogers or Green Day, or Radioheads Hail to the Thief (hipsters generally agree that this is when Radiohead sold out). Really, any popular, major-label artist will do the trick.

2. Play music they enjoy, such as Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah!, the National, or Monorchid. These recordings may prove a bit harder to find, however, so theres always the the band theory: the Strokes, the Faint, the Hives, the Killers, the Vines, the Bravery, et al. are usually considered deck by hipsters, despite their popular major-label status. (Note: the The, however, will NOT work using approach number two. See approach number one.)

When it comes to The bands, you might ask: Well, which one? Dont hipsters like one better than the others? Trust us when we tell you that it isnt going to make the slightest difference.

Returning Your Hipsters to Their Natural Environment

Hopefully by now, youve got the hipsters out in the open. Maybe theyre sitting in your living room brooding, or writing in a journal, or looking uncomfortable and ostracized. This is totally normal, and means youve done everything by the book thus far.

Yet at this stage you will likely encounter the following critical conundrum: When removing hipsters from your home, your paternal instinct may kick in at the sight of their waif-like appearances, and you will feel obligated to nourish them. Do not attempt to do this.

In the first place, it is highly unlikely you have hipster food. Kraft macaroni and cheese or microwaveable Bagel Bites will only make them angry. (Though it completely defies logic, hipsters also know more about food than you do.) Hamburger Helper is a grave insult to hipsters and will undoubtedly evoke a derisive response along such lines as, Do you have any idea whats in that stuff?!? Obviously, no, you do not.

Moreover, it should be noted that hipsters eating cycles differ greatly from those of non-hipsters. As an example: What are the chances of you uncovering your hipster infestation on, say, the third Wednesday (or designated feeding day) of that particular month, and of having enough organic soy-based products in your fridge to feed them all? Admittedly, it would not require much. But, you have to agree, the odds are pretty slim.

The best thing for them, and for you, is to simply return hipsters to the habitat from which they came. And dont think you can just pile them into the SUV and drive them there. They will spurn you for your wanton consumerism. Get that archaic road bike out from the garage. Theyll probably buy it from you when all is said and done and cruise it around the local arts district to coffee shops and record stores until they are all given low-paying jobs based solely on their stylish appearances and morose demeanors. Hipsters are much happier when they are poor (although youd never know this by looking at them).

With the hipsters now returned to their milieu, you deserve a pat on the back. Keep alert for future infestations, though, and be thankful you had hipsters instead of hippies, who can lower property values and are harder to eliminate.

10 comments:

Aaron said...

I still don't get it. I thought hipsters were a type of womens pants.

Amber said...

what?
pants? that's funny because there are a lot of hipsters in KC, particularly in Midtown - look at Broadway Cafe or Streetside Records.

Cassie, hipsters tend to vary from region to region as well, I found the Portland variety tended to ride bikes more and listen to indie music more - there is a crossover with the emo and hipster crowds as well, which this article failed to address.

Paul said...

Oh, I think I just pissed myself. That's too funny.

Aaron said...

What's the difference between a 'hipster' and a 'hippie'?

Amber said...

1. Hippies listen to crap like Bob Dylan and they wear rope sandals.
2. Hipsters listen to the Velvet Underground and that is probably the closest cross over to hippy music they have. I'm sure there are exceptions I am overlooking.
3. Hipsters might put grease in their hair while hippies grow it naturally from rolling around in patchouli.
4. Hippies get way more into "mother earth" stuff, hipsters don't usually get into the hemp clothing thing.

These are just a few of the differences. There are many.
It's like asking what the difference between a nerd and a geek are...

caffeinator_x said...

re:the difference between hipsters vs. hippies... lots of aesthetic / semantic issues. Hipsters loath "The Dead". The eating habits above suggest more hippie (and more high rent, Boulder hippy at that); even if vegan/vegetarian, hipsters will eat some bad shit (see: any local all night diner after the clubs close)

This is funny, Cas... I was thinking about the hipster connundrum after we were all out the other night. Scooterdad and I always joke about being "crypsters", but I don't know... as far as I'm concerned, the accepted age for hipster is 24-28. I got in a serious relationship, got married and had a 1st kid when I was 23-28, so I never officially graduated from "scenester" (21-23) (hip/crypsters may have 1 (one) kid after 30)

It's all so complicated, isn't it?

Plus, I don't hate all of Coldplay (still not gay).... I've settled on the the title "recovering posuer"

But no, This-and-That, you still can't have an SUV, regardless how good the gas mileage, or whether or not it's a hybrid...

Aaron said...

Boy, I'm glad I don't have to worry about any of this stuff.

I thought we all left cliques behind when we left high school - at least I did.

This and That said...

Poor guy Caffx...getting stapped down and having a kid among those golden messin around years, I feel for you...what a bitch your wife must be. haha.

caffeinator_x said...

OH it gets better, (or worse, based on your sense of irony -- which, of course, is a huge indicator of your viability as a hipster, natch)

(and saying you hate irony when you really love it is a +10 on the hipdometer.)

The hipster is a city dwelling species, which puts them closer to classical genus "Beatnik" than their tree hugging counterparts.

The hipster worldview runs from Nihilism to a sunny, sort of post-post modern existentialism (see: I (heart) Huckabees) They are nth degree social libertarians; while they may think eating animals is bad and that you should "kill your tv", they're not gonna cram it in your grill like hippies, who behave more like Borg or (mirror universe) Religious Conservatives.

(It should be mentioned here that for hipsters, Sopranos/Trek/Twin Peaks/Justice League on DVD doesn't count as TV)

It can seem pretty complicated... but considerably less so than, say, the differences between Catholic and Protestant. And while hipsters and hippies hold general disdain for one another, as of this writing, nobody's ever gotten shot.

for more details, see my upcoming book "Hypsteria: The Emergent Hipster Class" from Non-existent press.

scott venable said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

oh, my side, aide moi...