Friday, April 29, 2005

Laughed My Ass OFF!!!

I know everyone's heard this, but just in case there are any stragglers out there:

This guy's laugh is infectious!

Little Debbie, Little Debbie!

Here is a story my dad told me! I think it's so funny!!!

I just went up to the corner to the deli to get a sandwich. I was the only one at the counter. While the young Steven Wright-looking guy with the funny hat and apron was making my sandwich, I picked up a Little Debbie and commented, "Well, I guess all things must change. It's just a sign of the times, Little Debbies finally went up to 50 cents! I never thought I'd see the day." Without even looking up the guy said, "It's because of the price of gas." He then handed me my sandwich and just smiled.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Bikey the Hobbit = Critical Lee

i do not normally rant about personal issues in this blog. But there is an exception for everything. i will give no REAL particulars, and change names, but you who know me, probably know everyone involved. OOOOOOOoooooo!!! i'm so pissed!!!!!

So Critical Lee called me this morning (I’ve changed his name to reflect his constant state of “CRITICAL LIMITS”). Apparently the last time he and I rented movies together – about a month and a half ago – one of them didn’t get turned in. He went to rent movies yesterday, and they told him he couldn’t rent until he returned the movie (Napoleon Dynamite of all films! – which he HATED) and paid $30. So needless to say, the situation went “critical”. Lee’s convinced that The Samurai is fucking with him, because he saw me and Lee in there 1 FUCKING TIME. The Samurai and I dated for 1 month maybe, and it was in DECEMBER. That kid probably has women out the WA-ZOO! Like he even KNOWS who Critical Lee IS (which is just some dude who rents at the video store!!!)! So I told him he was overreacting, and to just go talk with the manager and ask him to look for the movie on the shelf. I told him it probably didn’t get checked in, and I’m sure they could find it. He “thanked” me for the “advice” like a true asshole would, and I thought we were done.
He calls me back to ask what The Samurai’s name is. I am hesitant to give it to him, but I figure he’ll find out anyway. He said not to worry, he would talk to the manager, and if the manager fucked around with it, he would explain the “situation”.
“Situation?” I asked.
“Yeah. You know that I dated a girl The Samurai dated and the only connection between the lost movie and this situation is that The Samurai is fucking with me.”
Totally logical – eh?
What a fucking psycho!!! He even went so far to say that if The Samurai was still fucking with him, he’d take the $30 out of his ass.
Beat him up over $30?????? You can be sure that would really do some good, and you’d never be able to rent at the video store anymore……
Plus there’s like 3 big black dudes that work there with him. I’m not worried about The Samurai, I just wonder WTF is Critical Lee’s deal?
So I told him not to mention me at all if he wanted to continue in the ridiculous business, and he asked me if I wanted to pay the $30 (cause I wanted to rent the movie in the first place) and then said he didn’t appreciate the attitude I was giving him.

I mean…
So I told him good luck and hung up.
The beauty part IS:
The Samurai didn’t check the movies out to us to begin with – so he had NO idea of what we rented, and they don’t pay attention to who checks movies in, because they just pick them up out of the drop off box!!! They have NO idea whose movies are whose! Ya know? It’s not like the scanner pops up and says “Critical Lee is returning this movie”. I mean, you just scan it in, and it doesn’t come up whose it is unless you enter the code into the system SEPERATELY. Ya know???? DUH!!!!! Again: Like The Samurai has nothing better to do with his time than FUCK with Critical Lee – some guy he’s never met before – nor cares about.

Next time he calls, I’m telling him to erase my number from his phone.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Reverend Mother Cassie D

Hello my children, my flock.

Yes it is I, Reverend Cassie. Does something trouble you, my child? Let us explore the mysteries of creation together. Think of me and my wisdom as - a guide.

I received this email yesterday:

> This notice hereby confirms that
> Cassie D********
> 12345 My Street Apt #123
> Denver
> CO
> 8000*> USA
> is an ordained member of the clergy of
> The Church of Spiritual Humanism
> Date of Ordination: April 26, 2005
> Ordained by R. A. Zorger, President

Of course i had to delete some important information in this email, but basically - i can marry people now. It was free, legal, and fast. Pretty cool, eh?

So i've decided to go into business for myself, doing dog and cat weddings, funerals, christenings, etc. I mean think about it. Think about all the weirdos out there that want their pets to get married, or stuffed by a taxedermist for life!!! What about EMBALMED! I don't think holding a commitment ceremony for these creatures is too bizarre.
I mean, people that live in those alternate realities often spend a good deal of money on the ridiculous - aka Reverend Cassie.

My mom thinks an old church choir robe should do the trick.
She also thinks i should advertise that i can do Star Trek weddings, since i have a uniform. I told her that might be too difficult. What if they wanted me to perform the ceremony in Klingon!!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Tarot - or Tah-row?

So i read some tarot cards last night. I bought this little mini deck from Barnes and Noble cause i was addictied to those little giftboxes for a while (i got "Build your own Snowglobe", "Build your own Water Feature", "Build your own Zen Garden", "The Executive Gong" - for my boss, and of course, TAH-ROW).

i only opened it once, and threw it in a box so i could move it to my new apartment, a year later. Well. 4 months after the move, my friend Josh was over, and thought it would be a good idea to read them.

So Barnes and Noble's directions were really easy, and pretty ambiguous! Shit like:

"This could represent past situations, current issues, or the posiblities of a certain outcome". So basically some card could mean past, present, or future - right? So am i wrong when i look at that statement as:
"Interperate the cards however you friggin' want to!" Introspection? Or is it just so ambiguous that you can do nothing else except make shit up, that probably you haven't even thought of before?!!!!

i mean, it reminds me of those snooty people who believe in that crap and who say, Tah-row (emphasis on the second silible), instead of Tare-O! You know, the same people who say, Plah-zah, instead of Plaza. I feel like learning Tarot really well so i can hang out with those people, and they can pay me to read their cards, while speaking like that as well!
"Dah-ling!!! You look SIMPLY Chah-ming!!!"

Wah wah wah. Where do people learn to talk like that? You remember in the old movies when wealthy sociallites used to talk like that? Like Grace Kelly or that little girl who played opposite Shirley Temple in "The Little Princess"?
She said, "Oh Sarah! Aw you actually hon-gry?" She was like 8 years old, and she talked like New York royalty! Too bad Paris Hilton can't improve her image by actually speaking like she was well brought up and actually had talent. What a hooch!

And what's the deal with her? I won't go into that rant, but that dog should've been dead a LONG time ago! It DOES just go to prove that you don't have to have talent to be famous. Just a rich dad and a great body (along with a personal trainer, a chef, personal hair dresser, makeup artist, personal assistant, and unlimited bank accounts). I bet i could do it. i just need to hit that Powerball! I guess i gotta BUY a powerball ticket first......

Okay, okay. So you are asking, "Tell us, Cassie. Tell us what your tarot cards said!"

Sorry. i just don't think we know each other well enough to divulge that information.

Monday, April 11, 2005

i heart-circle-slash dentists


My mouth is KILLING me!!!!

My upper wisdom teeth are coming in, and they're pushing all my teeth together! i'm constantly biting my cheek, and creating a cancor sore! i can't eat ANYTHING!!!!

Actually, that's probably a good thing since i need to drop um....... 5 lbs to look like Cindy Crawford...

But i just tried to eat a BEAN BURRITO (cause i thought making something with chicken and stuff in it would be too tender) but NO!!! It still hurts! i still bite my cheek and still need friggin' ambesol! I guess i'm back to mashed potatoes and pudding. i feel like an old person!! i want to puree everything!!!

So i haven't been to the dentist in 7 years, since i went in college. Get this: the dentist was DRUNK!!!


i smelled alcohol on his breath, and i SWEAR he was grabbing the dental assistant's butt everytime she walked by!! Plus he wasn't even paying attention to me! he would poke at my mouth to count my teeth, while winking at his assistant! he then even poked my sore tooth so hard, i started bleeding!!!!
Fuck that guy.

So the time before that, the dentist was pretty nice, but had a lousy sense of humor. He kept making jokes like:
"Oh my. That looks really bad. i think we might have a root canal."
and Cassie (who has never even had a CAVITY) would say, "What??? Really??" with all his dental equipment not to mention fingers in my mouth.
He would look at me very seriously and say, "Naw!!! Just kidding!"

Funny, right? Well imaging that happening 4 (i'm not exaggerating here) more times!! All with the instruments in my mouth, all me trying to talk and almost jumping out of the chair. Finally i told him he wasn't very funny, and he had better watch his freebies cabinet.....

So i don't like dentists. They are really weird. i WOULD however go to that Starbase Dental that was featured in Trekkies.

Yeah. i could do that.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Jeff Goldblum


So what's the deal with Jeff Goldblum? He's so weird! Did you ever see the Satuday Night Live sketch of him (played by my boyfriend, David Duchovony) on celebrity Jeopardy? It was great!

But seriously, i don't understand how he gets acting roles. i'm not saying i don't like him. I heart The Fly, and i though he did some nice work in Earth Girls Are Easy, but where did this guy come from? I will say the way his way of speach is somewhat endearing (like on all those Mac commercials) but that's how he talks in EVERY movie! Do you think people don't notice?

I'm confused.

I am so confused that i found this funny website and was pleasantly suprised.
This site hasn't been updated in a while, and i think it would be well worth it if it was. i plan on creating many pieces of artwork and submitting them.

if anyone has an answer to my above questions, please enlighten me.