Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Hitchhiker's Guide to Battle Star Wars

I had a very weird dream last night. As much as I don’t remember about it – the little that I do is very discombobulated…

It had something to do with me being in space, another planet, a towel around my neck, and legos.

But the funny part is that Amber was there trying to save me from some ‘Alien Adolescent’. In order to do this, she went up to his ‘toy room’ (which by the way was the third floor of my grandma’s old house) and started making an ‘army’ of evil toys, like in Toy Story. If you never saw that movie, there is some bad kid in it who would steal toys, take them apart and put them back together like Frankenstein. It was actually pretty funny in my dream! All my old toys were there! Like old friends coming out of my memory to say hello! Barbies, Star Wars, Strawberry Shortcake, Battlestar Galactica, The Batmobile! And of course, He-Man!

So as I awoke thinking about such a crazy dream, I thought about writing a post about it. In my search for pictures of He-Man, I came upon a couple of stats.

Here are some He-Man Stats:

Real Name: Prince Adam of Eternia
Identity/Class: Human tranformed by magic
Occupation: Prince of Eternia
Affiliations: Battle-Cat; Man-At-Arms; Teela; Ram Man; Sorceress; Orko; She-Ra; Mekanek, Stratos, Man-E-Faces, Buzz-Off, Sy-Klone, Roboto, Moss Man, Zodak, Fisto
Enemies: Skeletor; Batros;
Beast Man; Evil-Lyn; Mer-Man; Trap Jaw, Tri-Klops, Whiplash, Clawful, Two-Badd, Stinkor, Webstor, King Hiss, the Snake Men, Flogg
Powers/Abilities: Able to tranform into a superstrong incarnation using the Sword of Power given to him by the Sorceress. He draws the weapon and invokes the magic using the phrase "By the Power of Grayskull. I have the Power." He can also transform his friend Cringer into his steed Battlecat.


BUT – as I was searching this site, I saw a slightly interesting link at the bottom of the page. To put it bluntly, I found She-Man

She-Man Stats:

Real Name: Pando
Identity/Class: Human transformed by magic.
Occupation: Blacksmith
Affiliations: Gayskull
Enemies: Skeleton
History: Pando is a blacksmith who dreams of becoming a superhero. One day his dream is granted by a gay hermit Gayskull, who transforms him into a hero, so that he can rescue kidnapped Barrio children from the evil Skeleton. However because of Gayskull's sexuality, his spell turns Pando into She-Man, a gay superhero who rides a butterfly into battle.


Why do I find this so hilarious? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because I just haven’t seen too many transgendered superheroes out there. Well, for whatever reason, my barrio children feel safer at night.

On a seperate note, Caffx - have you gotten on that show, Who Wants to be a Superhero yet?


Anonymous said...

That Superhero show is a trainwreck. I couldn't even figure out people's costumes and so-called "powers" because I missed the first one. And it's so lame to have Stan Lee appearing only on giant TV screens everywhere they go: on the back of a car, on the rooftop, etc. All I can say is I wish I had seen the people who didn't make it, because they must have been awful...


caffeinator_x said...

Yeah, I too would have liked to have seen the first episode - the folks who were WORSE than the ones who did make it! (but that "Creature" girl does make me go POW! BAM! BIFF!

The character I applied w/ was "CENTREFUGE! The Flippin' Idiot!" ...I figured Stan the Man would appriciate the qualifying statement(I.E., "Daredevil:Man Without Fear!" or "The Incredible Hulk")

He was a guy who's center of gravity got hit w/ radiation, so he could only stand completely still, or flip continuously if he needed to get anywhere.

When I got a call back, and asked for a tape of me "demonstrating my powers" I got intimidated and chickened out.

If they put a call out again, maybe I'll use my blogger alias, and get strung out on triple espressos in order to fight crime.

DID YOU KNOW? - He-Man was originally a tie-in to the Conan movies? When that film proved too violent, they popped the Govenator's head off, and created well known bowl-cutted barbarian.

DID YOU ALSO KNOW? - Cannon films skimmed off the budget they recieved from Warner Bros. to make "Superman IV" in order to produce "Masters of the Universe", only to have both 1987 releases turn out to be nearly unwatchable.

DID YOU FURTHER REALIZE? - That I am an endless font of worthless trivia?

Kewl dream. Freud would say that you are doing battle with your inner child.

And... sex. Something about sex. This is Freud we're talking about, after all.

caffeinator_x said...


I didn't see you got your info from http://www.internationalhero.co.uk

That's one of my fave time-killers at work. I love what passes for a superhero in India!

Kurt C said...

"While Mattel apparently viewed the cartoon merely as a toy showcase, several up and coming writers working for Filmation saw it as a chance to showcase their writing talents, and the cartoon proved to have stronger storylines than people had expected."

Right... I forgot about the strong storylines. You remember that episode where skeletor and/or beastman was doing something fucked up, and he-man got pissed off and whooped their ass? You know, just like he did in every episode?

Amber said...

Caff, you forget the part where I'm trying to save her. That's the important part. The towel was probably the part about sex. Out of curiosity, was the towel wet and do you remember the color of the legos?
It's not easy being the superhero of other peoples dreams.
If ever there was a supersecret hideout, toy-lab, it was your grandma's attic. Hell, I'd only been up there once or twice and I'VE had dreams about that place.

The other side of this might be that you felt guilty for never calling me back....

This and That said...

yes CaffX you should definitely be superhero'Caffeinator X' IF there is another season of that show. Your weapon could be a portafilter!

caffeinator_x said...

So, Amber, does that mean you're trying to rescue Cassie from her inner child or what?

2 Dollar Productions said...

That Superhero show is amazingly awful, but one of the funniest parts was when this guy dressed in red tights and a cape tries to rescue a little girl and tells her to jump into his arms.

Sounds like a one-ticket to jail.

As for He-Man, there was some major homo-erotic action in that toon, but the Beast Man ruled.

I had all the figures.

S E E Quine said...

` I have heard of that superhero show, though I have never seen it. Damn me! If only I had the time, patience, and a TV, I could watch it!
` I think it's hilarious that only the V-guy was quick enough to save the little girl - he was apparently very 'into' his role! Everyone else just completely ignored her and blundered through the finish line.

` I like the dream! Glad you could remember it well enough to tell us! I think it means you're a space cadet and secretly in love with He-Man!
` Also, She-Man was also a character I made up as a child. It was played by my Ken doll and it defended Star Wars Land from the Barbies From Heck.
` Good times!!
` BTW, lots of disorientation to y'all. W00t!

This and That said...

actually if I remember right, all but one of the female superheros saved the little girl. while all but one of the men raced for the finish. now that is a commentary on mens priorities to a tee.

locomocos said...

haha! leave it to men to choose 'winning' some silly game over thinking of others!


and caffx - you should DEFINATELY be on the next superhero show. maybe you could take some costume tips from Quine's old barbies....


and by the way, my mom wouldn't let us actually WATCH he-man OR buy the action figures when we were little. her beliefs were that they were against god.

which is why we had to watch the cartoon in secret, hitting the 'FLASHBACK' button everytime she came into the room. we would switch to Super Book.

This and That said...

just saw on comcast news that some kid showed up to bible study naked. now that takes some balls ;) is nothing sacred anymore.

caffeinator_x said...


I used to watch 'cause it looked like Robotech and Voltron

I was always upset that little robot didn't transform into a giant Jesus, and kick the crap out of the Romans.

This and That said...


this may not show up, so if not...I just tried to send you a pic of Willie Ames as Bibleman.

Aaron said...

Here is the link for the URL This and That posted.

This and That said...

thanks aaron!

This and That said...

I think he use to be in tighter purple outfit, but it seems Willie has been partaking of the jesus juice a little more often so they had to give him a new yellow shield of armor with the built in six pack.

Amber said...

what happened to Cassie?
Did she run away with the superhero circus??

S E E Quine said...

` Bibleman!! Is that anything like Buckleman? I love Buckleman....