Friday, April 13, 2007

Cake and Beer

I hate the dentist.

Who doesn’t, right?

Well, in order to get my mouth up to grade for the Peace Corps, my dentist suggested getting a deep cleansing. She said my gums were ‘not the greatest’ and she was afraid to write down the results on my Peace Corps medical sheet – because they may not accept it and that would cause delays to my departure time of September.

After speaking with my mom and dad – they both told me to get a second opinion. Well, in the true Cassie tradition, I’ve procrastinated long enough to not have time to do this. So off to the dentist I went for my ‘deep gum cleansing’.

The cleansing is a high powered water pic with vibration to knock all the plaque off with the combination of the two. Sounds easy, right? Well, it hurt like hell. My dentist had to give me Novocaine shots, which I’ve never had before. I was more afraid of the shots than the actual procedure. Stupid Cassie. In the areas of my mouth which were not completely numb – it felt like someone was sticking rebar in between my teeth!
“Juice me UP, lady!” I could barely get the phrase out – but my dentist understood. She promptly picked up the syringe and said, “Okay – big pinch!”

Pinch? Pinch my azz! My knuckles were WHITE from the frickin’ “pinch” – not to mention the rebar.

I tried to keep my mind busy and off the pain by thinking about fun things.

That last episode of Magnum P.I. I watched –
“Oh Magnum! You’re so funny! Your crazy antics always get Higgins riled up! Stay outta the wine cellar!”

PINCH (more like a square peg in a circular hole)

Okay, okay, that’s not working. Think of something better….

“Hmmm….I love candy. Candy is really yummy. I wonder what my favorite candy is…”

PINCH (rebar between my teeth)

Nope. Candy isn’t enough. What else do you love? Pleasant thoughts!!!

“Cake. Chocolate Cake. MMmmm…I love cake. Cake and beer….yeah….cake and beer are really good. I could eat and drink both forever. If I was on a desert isle they would be…”

PINCH (something just tore the teeth from my gums)

Okay, Doolittle. Get it together. Think of something really fucking good or you’ll never get out of this with your dignity. Suck it UP, DOOLITTLE!!! Don’t be such a BABY!!!

“Cookies. I love cookies. I love cookies and milk just like grandma used to give me. The duplex kind. Yeah – with milk. Soft yummy cookies submerged in milk – with a spoon as my only tool to scoop it into my mouth. If you’re good – you can go buy cookies after you leave the dentist office. Just like when you had ear infections when you were little, and mom promised to buy you a new Strawberry Shortcake doll if you were good at the doctors. Would you like that? Would you like me to buy myself cookies? Cookies that melt in your mou…..”

PINCH.

SCRAPE, SCRAPE, SCRAPE.

(This reminds me of, “Kiri, kiri, kiri” from The Audition – when she’s screwing needles into his eyelids meaning “deeper” in Japanese)

And then the blessed water tool and SWISH.

“Come back Monday for the bottom half,” my dentist tells me.

“Aweshs hwero kthr?” I ask.

“Yep. Just check out at the reception desk,” she says.

“That will be $92.00. You’re lucky. Your insurance paid 80% of this bill,” said the receptionist.

“Wueo twa FOUT?” I promptly paid and left. Onto the cookie store. I bought extra for Monday.

6 comments:

Pablo said...

Hmmm....I'm thinking you'll be motivated to floss after this?

Yes, novacane shots hurt, like they stick a pair of tweezers on your gums and rip a small piece off.

This and That said...

I think this is what they did the last time I went, but they did both upper and bottom at the same time . Did they use this shit that felt like tiny rocks were hitting your gums. Hurt like hell...swore I would floss from then on....I broke that promise though shortly after. I hate the dentist and now you reminded me I have to go. ugh.

This and That said...

ps
heard that movie 'The Audition' was brutal to sit through. Do you recommend it?

locomocos said...

I recommend it - but I didn't think it was as bad as everyone said. I think the most part was that it was disturbing in the "Do you really know your friends" kind of thing.

but then again - I think I would kick ass at defending myself -

see my new quiz....

S E E Quine said...

` Very entertaining and painful at once! It's like... masochism! I wouldn't know, because unlike most people I do floss. Freakish, I know.

` Strangely, I've never had a painful novocaine shot. I've had excruciating surgery without novocaine, as you know, but no painful novocaine shot.
` Am I weird?

` By the way, make sure you floss after eating all those cookies! You wouldn't want to have to go back, would you? :D

Aaron said...

Ouch. I'm not looking forward to any dental work that will come my way.

That was a brilliant narrative Cas.