i do not normally rant about personal issues in this blog. But there is an exception for everything. i will give no REAL particulars, and change names, but you who know me, probably know everyone involved. OOOOOOOoooooo!!! i'm so pissed!!!!!
So Critical Lee called me this morning (I’ve changed his name to reflect his constant state of “CRITICAL LIMITS”). Apparently the last time he and I rented movies together – about a month and a half ago – one of them didn’t get turned in. He went to rent movies yesterday, and they told him he couldn’t rent until he returned the movie (Napoleon Dynamite of all films! – which he HATED) and paid $30. So needless to say, the situation went “critical”. Lee’s convinced that The Samurai is fucking with him, because he saw me and Lee in there 1 FUCKING TIME. The Samurai and I dated for 1 month maybe, and it was in DECEMBER. That kid probably has women out the WA-ZOO! Like he even KNOWS who Critical Lee IS (which is just some dude who rents at the video store!!!)! So I told him he was overreacting, and to just go talk with the manager and ask him to look for the movie on the shelf. I told him it probably didn’t get checked in, and I’m sure they could find it. He “thanked” me for the “advice” like a true asshole would, and I thought we were done.
Nope.
He calls me back to ask what The Samurai’s name is. I am hesitant to give it to him, but I figure he’ll find out anyway. He said not to worry, he would talk to the manager, and if the manager fucked around with it, he would explain the “situation”.
WTF???
“Situation?” I asked.
“Yeah. You know that I dated a girl The Samurai dated and the only connection between the lost movie and this situation is that The Samurai is fucking with me.”
Totally logical – eh?
What a fucking psycho!!! He even went so far to say that if The Samurai was still fucking with him, he’d take the $30 out of his ass.
Beat him up over $30?????? You can be sure that would really do some good, and you’d never be able to rent at the video store anymore……
Plus there’s like 3 big black dudes that work there with him. I’m not worried about The Samurai, I just wonder WTF is Critical Lee’s deal?
So I told him not to mention me at all if he wanted to continue in the ridiculous business, and he asked me if I wanted to pay the $30 (cause I wanted to rent the movie in the first place) and then said he didn’t appreciate the attitude I was giving him.
??????
I mean…
???????????
So I told him good luck and hung up.
The beauty part IS:
The Samurai didn’t check the movies out to us to begin with – so he had NO idea of what we rented, and they don’t pay attention to who checks movies in, because they just pick them up out of the drop off box!!! They have NO idea whose movies are whose! Ya know? It’s not like the scanner pops up and says “Critical Lee is returning this movie”. I mean, you just scan it in, and it doesn’t come up whose it is unless you enter the code into the system SEPERATELY. Ya know???? DUH!!!!! Again: Like The Samurai has nothing better to do with his time than FUCK with Critical Lee – some guy he’s never met before – nor cares about.
Next time he calls, I’m telling him to erase my number from his phone.
5 comments:
Actually, the "samurai" has a girlfriend right now; he told me so last time I was in there (he seemed pretty happy about it too). And something as petty as a misplaced movie isn't his style anyway...
Sounds like the next blockbuster hit for 2005; Critical Lee v. The Samurai!
It goes like this: At the beginning it shows Critical Lee (played by Sean Astin) and Cassie (played by Kirsten Dunst) renting the video. Chaos insues. The tension builds between Critical and the Sam. Samurai (played by Jim Caviezel) sits at home, plotting revenge for how he was wronged, practicing his "cuts". Critical plots revenge by sitting in his apartment and stewing, vowing not to touch the bottle until he has vanquished his enemy.
The exciting conclusion happens when both of them decide that they're too lazy to have a fight to the death, they never talk again, and everybody lives happily ever after.
The end.
Kirsten Dunst?
Hellooooooooo????!!!!
Try Christina Ricci! Kirsten has NO BOOBS.
Christina has ALL THE BOOBS
Nobody who plays in movies ever looks anything like the real people they portray - consider Larry Flint and Woody Harrelson. This is supposed to be an action movie, Christina Ricci doesn't do action movies. Mary Jane Watson would be much better, boobs notwithstanding.
OK - Alternate Ending #2:
Samurai is doing his cuts and he realized that he's been in the closet all these years, and he decides he want's to tell the world that he's a lesbian-midget-albino-eskimo, and he's proud of his heratige.
Critical decides that the bike messenger racket, although glamorous, is not for him. He goes back to "The Shire" and raises a family.
BUT!!!!!
At the very end, the camera is in the delivery room with Critical's wife when his first son is born. SURPRISE, out pops a little lesbian-midget-albino-eskimo boy. Fade to black.
What a cliffhanger!! People will be lining up to see the sequel.
i guess nobody got my dead milkmen reference there...
DEAD MILKMEN ROCK!
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