Friday, March 30, 2007

Must...Stay...Awake... at Work!

Check out more posters HERE







Perspective

This is a picture my friend Richard in Korea sent me. After seeing this photo - it kinda makes me stop ranting about little things like my doctor visit. Makes you realize there is more to life out there and not let petty stuff ruffle your feathers. Be safe and I hope to see you soon!

Hey, Is This Thing On?

Warning: Lady Sensitive Material Below. Men - Read with Caution. You have been warned.




I am officially broke. I got my paycheck today, wrote out my bills (which is very rare for me), and got Josh his 30th birthday present. It has been decided that after all is said and done, I will only be able to spend $162 dollars for the next 2 weeks. That’s $81 per week. Plus I have to do my taxes this weekend – which I’m sure will end up costing me a fortune. Not to mention all the doctor and dental visits I’m required to make for my Peace Corps application.

Speaking of which, I will now talk about my medical experiences (which are far from over):
I went to the dentist for my check up – and somehow (it’s still a mystery to me) she figured out that I never floss.
I mean – I flossed right before my appointment and STILL she caught me! So due to lack of flossing, I have to come back for some POWERWASH deep cleaning! Boo! My insurance only partially covers this – which means? I will have to shell out money from my savings! 3 separate visits! UGH!!!

THEN I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I won’t go into details, but it was a scene from Seinfeld. I usually go to Planned Parenthood for all my ‘lady’ needs – but due to my medical packet, I had to go to my doctor. So I’m laying on the table – cracking jokes – and my doctor is calling for the nurse to come in and ‘assist’. Assist? Assist what? So she’s walking in and out of the exam room – while I’m laying my business open out to the world! My doctor peeks around my legs to ‘shoot the shit’ with me in the interim? Wha????? I’m not too modest with doctor stuff – but that made even ME uncomfortable! I sure never appreciated my Planned Parenthood as much as I did then. If any of you ladies go to a regular doctor for lady stuff – you need to switch. At least PP has posters of cats and crap to read on the ceiling. This guy was talking about his golf swing. Ugh.

I get done and have to go give a urine sample. That took about an hour as I got a little nervous. The young nurse showed me the room and told me the instructions were on the wall – and she shut the door. The list for how a woman was supposed to give a urine sample was about 10 steps. Men – 3. Let me tell you – I didn’t think it was that difficult to pee in a cup, but I guess there’s more to it than previously believed. After that they took about 4 vials of blood and told me to come back Monday.

I am now firm in my previous beliefs that the medical and dental industry is just as big of a scam as insurance.
And I am never going to that doctor again. I’m switching to a woman. No question. I’d rather have her talking over my legs about her cat’s fur balls than about her golf game.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Let's take a moment to reflect...

On this foggy March day, I will now give you another look at Cassie’s beautiful apartment. I was going to list them separately, but after waking up 4 times last night, I’ve decided to make a list and let you judge for yourself.



5 Reasons Why Cassie’s Troll Hole Blows:

Reason #1 The Troll Hole = No light
They call it the Troll Hole for a reason. My windows – though big – do not get any light as there is a large apartment building 5 feet away. Consequently I get to hear people in the large building across the concrete alley clearly and often, as the reverb between the buildings is deafening.


(notice the radiator on the ceiling directly above my futon!)


Reason #2 Crappy Carpet
I don’t have money to buy a rug – but if I did – I would. I would almost buy new carpet at the flea market and just lay it over the concrete floor with a layer of outdoor carpet. Oddly enough, I have been in other units in my basement, and they actually have wood flooring! Wood or carpet = padding for concrete. Lets just say I always wear shoes, as my feet get TIRED walking around my apartment! Not to mention there is a gigantor burn mark from an iron! Did someone forget to pick up their iron 20 years ago – and the building owner thought it made the unit ‘unique’? Hmmm….




Reason #3 Cabinets too high
The trolls the apartment was built for must have been as tall as Kurt (6’4”) cause he’s the only person unaffected by the tall cabinets. Granted I ALWAYS have a foot stool around cause I’m short(ish) – but this is ridiculous. I have to stand on my tip toes just to get down my pots and pans! This IS, however, good for when I want to hide cookies from myself. Old Monkey-Arm Christman actually laughs at me for this. Grrr….






Reason #4 1 closet
Men may have no problems with this – ladies? 1 closet means that all my clothes, coats, cleaning products, towels, etc. have to find space to hang out in this baby. Luckily it’s deep, but functional? Yikes. I was under the impression that to call something a bedroom, it had to have a closet. My apartment has a miniature ‘bedroom’ with no closet save this one. I actually use that space as my storage area, as there isn’t any reason to use it as a ‘bedroom’ anyway. Ugh.





(is that the 3 Men and a Baby boy?)



Reason #5 Ghostly Sounds
Well this is why I woke up 4 times last night. Pipes, people, and creaking make this apartment scary. When the boiler turns on all pipes in my apartment start to BANG! And if you don’t remember my Casa Bonita bathroom – those pipes go all over the ceiling! I even have radiators on the ceiling! It’s weird.





But not as weird as waking up at 3:15 am to clang that can only be described as in Jaws 2 when Brody is banging on that electrical cable – above water that is.






If you have any reason to doubt my incredulous mood swings over the past month - need I say more?

Monday, March 26, 2007

Scenes From a Hat


"Wait. We can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims. And especially do not trust Sarah Miller. For all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground. "

Happy Monday! (or should I wait for Wednesday?)

ha!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Th-HERS-day

I’m feeling a little depressed today. All the changes going on in my life, the end of the life I’ve known here in Denver for the last 6 years – heck – the last 9 years I’ve been in Colorado! I was listening to some music while doing a landscape design yesterday – and I got really sad. The lyrics were talking about everything ending, and trying to cope with ‘losing’ someone – or in my case, something. I know I’m getting ready to start a new chapter in my book of life, but it seems so scary all of sudden. Last night I dreamt of roller coasters and how I barely made it in time to take my seat! Only when I got in, the ‘check’ people had already gone through the line to make sure everyone’s head/body brace was secure enough to go upside down. Mine wasn’t secure and I ended up dangling – like in those crazy old Looney Toons when the Red Baron was chasing Bugs in a plane from the 20s. You flip upside down and try to ‘crawl’ back into the cockpit! Ha!

If that doesn’t say a lot, I don’t know what does. Everyone has been so supportive with my decision to change my life, and up until now the changes were bearable. But the more I think of what lies ahead, I wonder if I’m prepared.

I guess you can NEVER be TOO prepared – life always throws you fast balls, right?
I know deep down I’m READY to take this step. Everything in my body tells me so. The constant Burn Out tells me to change something in my life – and not to overuse my favorite phrase, but “Get Busy Livin’ or Get Busy Dyin’” resonates in my head along with the Peace Corps tagline, “Life is Calling – How Far Will You Go?”.

Being human, I know its okay to get scared. Being Cassie, I tell myself to “Get Up! Do your work! It doesn’t Hurt!” I told myself this when I fell down the basement stairs of our old house while doing laundry! Ha! It knocked the wind out of me and I couldn’t sit properly for 2 weeks! What a hard ass I am to myself! Literally!

So thanks for the constant support. Sometimes I just need to write it down, which is why I have a blog. And sometimes I need encouragement, like the picture Josh made for me!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Pancakes - Cabin Fever

Great scene. And c'mon - a pretty good goofy horror movie!

Tattoo You?

Interesting article From Mental Floss:

Pens and Needles: History’s Strangest (and most useful?!) Tattoos
If Momma refuses to let you spend your allowance at the tattoo parlor, maybe you should drop some history, and let her know just how “useful” a tattoo can be.

Tattoos as Telegraphs
The Tattoo: secret messages
The Tattooed: slaves
The Reason: It beats paying for postage
According to Greek Historians, back in 312 BC, Greeks used to shave the hair off their slaves, tattoo a message into the back of their heads, and then wait for the locks to grow back. Once the message was all covered in hair, they’d pack the slave off, and send him running.

Tattoos for Mercy
The Tattoo: a crucifixion scene
The Tattooed: troublemakers in the British Navy
The Reason: To get out of being whipped
There’s a reason Eminem and Snoop both suited up for their court appearances. Similarly, British mischief-makers used to get “Jesus on the cross” inked onto their shoulders to make themselves seem like upstanding citizens. That way, if a religious captain was somehow moved by the WWJD message, he might drop the whip in favor of a lesser punishment.

Tattoos to Intimidate Boxers
The Tattoo: A tribal-looking thing
The Tattooed: Mike Tyson’s face
The Reason: To honor the Mayans?
Claiming he was into history, Iron Mike made the unfortunate mistake of telling reporters that his new face tattoo was a Mayan New Zealand symbol. The fact that Mayans aren’t really from New Zealand didn’t stop his enthusiasm. Of course, history is the least of Mike’s concerns. According to Sports Illustrated, the former heavyweight is currently trying to fight women in the ring.


Tattoos as Punishment
The Tattoo: a vagina on the forehead
The Tattooed: lusty Indian priests
The Reason: To make an example of ‘em.
If you thought laws were severe in Texas, any priest caught with his trousers down in ancient India got a “little girl” branded into his noggin.

Tattoos as Billboards
The Tattoo: GoldenPalace.Com, also on the forehead
The Tattooed: Karolyne Smith
The Reason: Cash money
In need of some quick cash, Karolyne Smith did the first thing any enterprising young American would do, and auctioned off her forehead on e-Bay. After 27,000 visits, online casino GoldenPalace.com outbid everyone with a cool $10,000 offer. Each letter on her forehead is an inch high, and the terms are that she has to leave it there permanently. Still, it beats having a vagina on there.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Thank God I called THAT guy....


So I was planning on taking a trip to go see my dad in Allentown this summer. I figured if I was going to be gone for 27 months, I will have to start visiting my friends and family to say goodbye. "Gooooood Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeee!"

Hemingway, I sent an email to my dad as I just found out he would be coming to our annual Doolittle 4th of July Extravaganza but for only a few days. "Well", thought I, "I would have no time to spend with him alone with my 80 thousand Doolittle relatives around!" And I guess my brother isn't coming due to work, so I wouldn't see him for 27 months either.

A trip to the coast is what I need! The East Coast! And although Denny suggested me tagging along with him in his big rig for a trucker road trip adventure, he couldn't guarantee I would get to the East Coast since it was his busy season. (but I AM still excited about taking a trucker road trip adventure as well....that just sounds fun!) So in the spirit of me leaving for 27 whole months, my dad bought me a plane ticket to come see him! And not that it wasn't INCREDIBLY generous of him buying me that ticket - I guess there is some truth into buying in advance, cause it wasn't that expensive!!! Only around $200 (for a 1 stop flight)! So as fate would have it, I will be spending the first 2 weeks in June in Allentown, PA. My dad said he would take me on his own work road trip and make stops such as Maryland, Philadelphia and Delaware....yeah....Delaware.....


Well, actually I would love to see Delaware! And all that stuff! I'm really excited! What should I do for 2 WHOLE WEEKS??? See Amish people? The Rocky Staute? The Liberty Bell? The Statue of Liberty? A mugging in Central Park? So many possibilities!!! I'm on a gravy train with buiscut wheels! I can't wait!!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Oh Oprah!

Well of course you can put my new novel on your book list! I wouldn't have it any other way!





But I'm sorry, Oprah! I CAN'T replace your friend Gail as you BEST friend. I already have enough friends. No, no. I'LL call YOU!!

Thanks Paul for the lovely picture!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Think of me as....your Big Brother!



Doesn’t this sound creepy to you? First The Gov wants to call you a criminal if you smoke, now they want to tell what you can and can’t eat – what’s next? Government TV as in Farenheit 451 or Big Brother in 1984? Big Brother is out to protect YOU from YOU (and watch you of course).

NYC BANS TRANS FATS

So how are they going to enforce this law? Visit every street vendor? Are they prepared to incorporate the volumes of alternate oils in which Joe Schmo french fries salesman can get at a price that won’t hurt his business? What about the taste? How much money is the city spending on monitoring this, when they can’t even keep rats out of most of the kitchens?


So if the foods which use these fatty products are mainly purchased by poor people who can’t afford to eat healthy, will the price of these foods go up? Can’t we make it so instead of buying a $0.99 chicken sandwich from McD’s someone would offer a $0.99 turkey and provolone on rye?

And what if I WANT fried green tomatoes just like grammy used to make with Crisco? What if I CHOOSE to eat that fried goodness, knowing full well my arteries are screaming – that’s my choice right? Right big brother? You remember grams, right bro?

A co-worker of mine brought up another good point about helmet laws a while back. I’m glad Colorado doesn’t have any. If some doofus wants to drive a crotch rocket down the busiest part of I-70 in shorts with no helmet doing wheelies, I say let him. He’s only hurting himself with those choices. I’m pretty sure doing wheelies IS illegal….
That’s more life threatening than trans fats, right? No Big Brother here….

So when do we let people make decisions for themselves? When is it okay for Big Brother to step in an ‘protect us from ourselves’? Where is that line? If someone is smoking and you don’t like it, move! Do you NEED Big Brother to dictate your life for you? Holy Crap! Is it going to turn into Logan’s Run where we have to kill ourselves by age 30 – “voluntarily”?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

A Peace Corps Guatemala House

I found this video on You Tube. It's about 10 minutes, but gives you a good idea of a central american position. I wonder if she knows Abraham, my ex - Guatemalan boyfriend! Ha!

Peace Corps Info For Family and Friends

Another Peace Corps post? Well this one might have pertinent information as I expect ALL of you to either visit or sent me care packages of popcorn and toilet paper!!!

Overall Timing
On average, it takes three to nine months for a nominee to receive an invitation to serve. Your invitation will state your departure date, which may be anywhere from one to seven months in the future.

The timing of your invitation depends on a number of factors, including your availability date, the skills required by current assignments, and any special needs identified during your medical clearance. Placement of married couples usually takes longer because the complexity of the assignment match is doubled. Your file will be processed according to your projected departure date.

Remember: You will not know when or where you are going until you receive your invitation. Don't make any major changes yet, such as leaving your job or selling your car. Your projected departure date may change — sometimes more than once — before your final invitation arrives.

Visiting a Volunteer
Family and friends can make the trip to see a Volunteer in his or her overseas community. Visiting a Peace Corps Volunteer is one of the most exciting ways to see and learn about another country's people, cultures, and traditions. The cost of your vacation travel is your responsibility. The Peace Corps provides two vacation days to Volunteers for every month of service.

E-mail
Access to e-mail is becoming more common but is far from universal. Your Volunteer may or may not have access to e-mail during his or her service.

The reach of the Internet around the world is changing rapidly. In some Peace Corps countries, Internet caf├ęs and computer access are common. In others, they are rare and expensive. Access may vary widely within a country, depending on the nature of a Volunteer's assignment and the community in which the Volunteer lives.

Your Volunteer's Welcome Book packet will contain more specific guidance for his or her country of service.


Letters and Packages
Before departure, your Volunteer will receive information about you can keep in touch during his or her years of service. The instructions will be tailored to his or her particular country. If you have questions about communicating with your Volunteer, you may call Peace Corps headquarters and ask for the Country Desk.

Your instructions will include an address for the initial 10-12 week training period. After training, you likely will receive new mailing instructions from your Volunteer.

Please check the guidelines before sending care packages from home. Weight, content, and customs restrictions will apply. There may also be prohibitions against sending food items. You should consider carefully before sending items of great value, too. Please abide by the suggested regulations in order to prevent the loss or delay of items.

Keep in mind that another country's postal system may take longer to distribute mail than the United States Postal Service. It is not uncommon for correspondence to take several weeks for delivery. For this reason, you and your Volunteer may want to number any letters you both write to keep track of your correspondence.


Phone Calls
Telephone systems vary from country to country, and both phone systems and access to a telephone may be different than you are accustomed to in the United States. Volunteers may have a phone in their home, or they may have to place calls from their place of work or a public facility. Other Volunteers make calls from a nearby town or a friend's house
.

Lots of info - but doesn't it make you excited? Is that just me?

Friday, March 09, 2007

Anyone? Bueller?

Okay, Josh just told me he didn't understand the emails I sent him:



Here is our communicae:



Josh:

Cassie - I wrote the land ladies regarding the deposit. Hopefully they will respond soon and give us a plan for this business transaction

Cassie:

Joshua – Thanks. I got it. Sounded good. TCB CYA.

Josh:

Miss Cassie Doolittle- Could you overnight me the decoder ring for your email? I seem to have miss placed mine. TCB CYA. That would be great - thanks.

Cassie:

Be Sure to Drink your Ovaltine




Josh:

WTF?

Cassie:

Hello? Little Orphan Annie secret decoder pen?

Josh:

I never saw little Orphan Annie. I still don't know what TCB CYA means.

Can anyone help us out???

(Josh - you are too funny!!!!)

Heavy Sigh. SSDD. Any other good ones?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!


I just got a call from my recruiter! I can now give praise where praise is due!

Thanks to the lovely, beautiful, and genius This and That – my initial Peace Corps application has been accepted and I am now being nominated for a position!!!

I had been in limbo with my application as they were not accepting one of my 3 references required. I needed a volunteer reference, and as I am CURRENTLY working with multiple volunteer agencies – I was going to have to wait at least a month of service for a reference. But with This and That’s help – I am now able to move onto the next step! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!

My recruiter called and said she would nominate me this week for a position in Latin America for “Ag Extension, small farmers sustainable farming” which leaves late September. Holy Schnikeys I’m excited!!! It sounds exactly like what I want! The next steps will be waiting for my medical packet. I guess it breaks down like this:

1. My recruiter will nominate me for this position


2. I will await my medical packet which includes mental, physical, dental check ups (coincidently, my friend Ed told me that I wouldn’t be able to take the required HIV test at the Colorado Aids Project – I would have to go directly to Denver Health – does that seem odd to you? Maybe just me….)


3. Turn in all my medical paperwork by mid July.


4. Wait for an ‘Invitation’ to my Ag Extension Latin American position which I have been nominated for (this week – yeah!)


5. If I don’t hear anything by August 15, I probably won’t be going on this assignment. I will await another one (after 80 calls to my recruiter of course)

Hooray for me! Hooray for my recruiter who is pulling for me to go to Latin America! SPECIAL HOORAY TO THIS AND THAT in which I will be your indentured servant for the next few months!!! I’m so happy I almost forgot about my crappy apartment and falling in a puddle yesterday!

Almost….

So this summer I will be taking Spanish classes, volunteering and riding my bike for MS! It feels like I’m over a hump and am moving right along on my desired schedule!
(knock on wood!)

Monday, March 05, 2007

MS Awareness Week!!! March 3-11, 2007


People with MS know something about moving that most of us don’t understand—moving is not a guarantee. Today marks the beginning of the MS movement—a movement toward a world free of multiple sclerosis.
The National MS Society is beginning this movement with a whole new awareness of what it means to live with MS, in a way that we can all understand—that moving is who we are.
You can make a difference and join the movement today. Here’s how:

Register for an MS Walk or an MS Bike Ride
Volunteer with your local Society chapter
‘Make your mark’ against MS
Use Windows Live™ Messenger to IM and support the MS movement
Learn more about MS and the National MS Society
C'mon peeps! If you haven't volunteered, walked, rode, or donated - check out what you can do for MS!
Yes, yes. Shameful Plug! I'm getting everybody amped to help out for 2007! Hooray!!!

I’ve definitely got a case of the Mondays


This morning I had some problems getting up, but after the weekend, I’ve finally gotten all the supplies I need to make my morning ritual pleasant.
I got a bathroom mat, hooks to hang my shower caddy, instant coffee (pumpkin spice) and I washed all my clothes.

I got out of the shower on time, and even remembered to bring some newly burned music to work with me (as I am TIRED of the crappy radio). I got out of the door on time, and in a good mood.

When lo – as Forrest Gump says, “It happens,” and what he means by that is Shit Happens.

There are still some icy spots along the sidewalks here in Denver. Oddly enough, the City of Denver was giving out tickets to people who didn’t shovel their walks when it was snowing every week. There was a big stink about it, as they were fining old ladies who would shovel their walks one day, only to have it snow again 4 days later for 8 weeks in a row.
Well apparently they didn’t fine any of the building owners around my new apartment. As I walked to my car wearing my very slick treaded Doc Martens, I slipped on some ice, and landed in a puddle – where the hard packed ice was slowly melting. My purse, CDs, keys and freshly washed work sweater (for cold mornings) flew everywhere – including my ankle.

I ended up hurriedly throwing all my (WET) miscellaneous objects into my car, assuring some passersby that I was okay, and hobbling to my apartment to change my clothes. It was a sight to be seen, people. Especially since I never dry or brush my hair before I get to work. I like to air dry my lovely locks with my car heater, and brush it afterwards – which looks a bit scary in the mornings. I look a little like this until I get to the office:



Click Here for the picture link


Heavy Sigh. I guess I actually DO have a case of the friggin' Mondays....

Beautiful House Reason #3

Reason #3 is that I have concrete for flooring. Living in my dorm-like apartment gives me all the perks of cheap student life, which a higher price tag. No late night Play Station games with 5 people on your floor, no free food to get from the cafeteria and store away for munchies, no sleeping in when you’ve stayed up all night gabbing with your roommate, and definitely no maid to come in a clean your bathroom. But there IS crappy concrete flooring with the thinnest excuse for ‘carpet’ I’ve ever seen. Now, I had this thin carpet in my dorms, but I knew many people of other residence halls who just had linoleum. So what did most people do to remedy this? They bought rugs. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to buy a rug with my student loan money. In fact, I’m paying back all the rugs I DID buy during that time, just to be without one – NOW!!!

So I am left to walk around my teeny dorm room apartment in my slippers or shoes. No socks, no bare feet, no pacing around the apartment while on the phone. That equals foot death. My feet hurt within minutes of walking around my apartment without any cushion. My attitude goes from Happy Cassie to Pissed Off and Stay Away Cassie in less than an hour.


So I end up sitting on my less than comfortable futon watching my non existent TV. Thankfully I have books to read – otherwise I think I’d go crazy. I’m thinking of purchasing War and Peace just to give me something to do for the next few months. Of course as it gets warmer, I’ll be out on my bike riding like the wind. But until then, and while it’s cold – I’ll check out some Tolstoy.

Friday, March 02, 2007

My New Welcome Mat

let's see how long it takes for this thing to get stolen.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Beautiful House Reason #2

Ants.

I have ants.

I just bought ant traps so hopefully they will work.
I saw several of them in my kitchen the other day, which let me to the purchase of Grant’s Ants – and made a mental note to be careful about dropping food on the ground. Also to be careful about leaving food in a trash bin without the lid.

Kurt suggested it was only a few ants and not to worry. Then he reminded me that I had a spider which JUMPED out of one of my boxes AT MY HEAD in which I narrowly escaped. He said since I didn’t kill the spider (good luck blah blah blah) that he would clean up my other insect problems. But do ants really get stuck in spider webs? I think they could avoid them, unlike a fly or something. I just don’t think they’re big enough. Those ants are like a schnack to a spider. I bet they’d rather have something meatier.

So then what happens this morning? I find one in my bathroom. My sanctuary of purity and cleanliness. What is this madness I ask you?

It reminds me of Krull. You know. The Widow of the Web? Scary Shit.




Reason #2 why my new apartment blows.

Uncomfortable Questions: Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

Posted in Conspiracy Theories Wednesday, February 28th, 2007 TrackbackWebsurdity Link:



This article was inspired by the fine users at the James Randi Educational Foundation (JREF) Forum, to whom I am indebted for the use of much of this material.




We’ve all heard the “official conspiracy theory” of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we’ve all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.




Like many Americans, I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.


Presented here are some of the results of my soul-searching regarding this painful event. Like many citizens, I have many questions that I would like answered: was the mighty Imperial government really too incompetent to prevent a handful of untrained nerf-herders from destroying one of their most prized assets? Or are they hiding something from us? Who was really behind the attack? Why did they want the Death Star destroyed? No matter what the answers, we have a problem.

Below is a summary of my book, Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack, which presents compelling evidence that we all may be the victims of a fraud of immense proportions.

Uncomfortable Questions about the Death Star Attack

The cover of Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack



1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?









2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station’s large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?



3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?



4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?



5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn’t?




Emperor Palpatine fails to act after being informed of the attack




6) How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to “bullseye womprats” on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be “impossible, even for a computer.” Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?



7) Why has their been no investigation into evidence that the droids who provided the rebels with the Death Star plans were once owned by none other than Lord Vader himself, and were found, conveniently, by the pilot who destroyed the Death Star, and who is also believed to be Lord Vader’s son? Evidence also shows that the droids were brought to one Ben Kenobi, who, records indicate, was Darth Vader’s teacher many years earlier! Are all these personal connections between the conspirators and a key figure in the Imperial government supposed to be coincidences?








8) How could a single missile destroy a battle station the size of a moon? No records, anywhere, show that any battle station or capital ship has ever been destroyed by a single missile. Furthermore, analysis of the tape of the last moments of the Death Star show numerous small explosions along its surface, prior to it exploding completely! Why does all evidence indicate that strategically placed explosives, not a single missile, is what destroyed the Death Star?





Thanks for the email, Ed. Yes, I am surrounded by sci-fi nerds who find this humorous.